all the words i should have said,

I should have said I love you, I should have told you how much it meant to me that you were there for me when no one else was. I should have told him he’s perfect and wonderful and all the words he deserves to hear. Instead, we just stared at each other in silence for a few seconds before finally walking away from each other. No one will ever know the words I should have said. Casting a shadow over every romantic encounter, it’s impossible to feel comfortable enough with anyone else after what happened. Every time we’re close and you lean in for that first kiss, my heart starts racing because of how afraid I am this might happen again. This can’t be too hard on him; he doesn’t deserve this either. It kills me inside knowing that what happened was all my fault: his blood is on my hands and no matter how much I want to take it back nothing can change the past now. But maybe if we could just make things work then at least there would be some kind of happy ending out of all of this suffering-